I feel like this is a confession. I, allegedly, started this blog to share a journey to physical fitness and overall health. So far, that’s been a total fair. In 2018. I have a goal of losing 50 pounds. So far, I’ve lost 1.
In six months, ONE POUND.
That’s no even really losing, that’s maintaining.
A while ago I’d be sitting here waxing poetic about how maintaining, is still a victory because it’s not a gain.
I’d be making excuses to try to stay positive.
I’d do what I could to stay up beat about all this.
Part of me still wants to.
I haven’t failed I just haven’t succeeded, either.
Stay positive. Be positive. No negative. Don’t be a downer….
I can’t keep doing that. At least not right now.
The last few months I’ve been putting myself on the backburner. With house-hunting, -buying- and -moving I’ve allowed myself to say, “now’s not a good time” and “we’re too busy” and “other things are more important.”
I know I’m not alone in constantly putting everything else before myself. Traditionally this is a female trait, but I know that currently a lot of people are busy and easily become “too busy.”
House hunting, my husband and I only had one day a week where we were both off work. So, I made “us” the priority and all of Friday was dedicated to house hunting, and so were Saturday mornings (I work Saturday night) and Sunday (my other day off) were busy doing everything that I didn’t do Friday, plus what I needed to do Sunday.
House buying? The same thing. I made “us” the priority and ignored me.
No house moving-in and I’m still not at it.
No going for walks, much less building back my inductance for running. No writing. No blogging. No chilling. No relaxing.
It was all about checking off the to-do list. The laundry, the grocery shopping, meal prepping, sweeping, mopping, packing, unpacking, decorating, painting, carpet shampooing, mowing, repairing….
It’s the beginning of the month. The beginning of my birthday month, which means selfishly I’ve started thinking about myself and what I’ve been doing for myself. Which four months ago was a pretty good list. I was walking regularly. I was really paying attention to what I was eating. I was blogging regularly. I was writing new fanfiction. I was working on my novel.
But right now?
I’ve let myself slack off under the guise of “priority”.
I’ve let myself use stress of the move and work as a reason to drink the beer in the refrigerator.
I’ve made poor eating decisions because I “deserve” to splurge.
So, I sit here, writing this, drinking wine, eating doughnut holes and feeling sorry for myself.
I think that I’m scared of succeeding. If I’m always the one “training” to run. “working” on my novel, “trying” to lose weight, who am I when I do those things?
I’d be a runner.
I’d be a novelist.
I’d be who I’d like to be.
What happens when the verb is more a part of who you are than the noun? What happens when you become the noun? What do you do when you’re done?
And why do I let myself get so wrapped up in “what then” that I stop working on my “what now”?
It’s like every time I start to succeed- not actually hit a goal but make strides towards it- I get spooked and slow down. I “celebrate” to the point where I undo all my success.
I know I’m not alone in doing this, but I can’t figure out how to get past it. Because I must figure out how to get past me.
I’m my own worst enemy.
How do you defeat yourself?
Any book recommendations? I always do better when I can read a book and take notes.
HELP!
In six months, ONE POUND.
That’s no even really losing, that’s maintaining.
A while ago I’d be sitting here waxing poetic about how maintaining, is still a victory because it’s not a gain.
I’d be making excuses to try to stay positive.
I’d do what I could to stay up beat about all this.
Part of me still wants to.
I haven’t failed I just haven’t succeeded, either.
Stay positive. Be positive. No negative. Don’t be a downer….
I can’t keep doing that. At least not right now.
The last few months I’ve been putting myself on the backburner. With house-hunting, -buying- and -moving I’ve allowed myself to say, “now’s not a good time” and “we’re too busy” and “other things are more important.”
I know I’m not alone in constantly putting everything else before myself. Traditionally this is a female trait, but I know that currently a lot of people are busy and easily become “too busy.”
House hunting, my husband and I only had one day a week where we were both off work. So, I made “us” the priority and all of Friday was dedicated to house hunting, and so were Saturday mornings (I work Saturday night) and Sunday (my other day off) were busy doing everything that I didn’t do Friday, plus what I needed to do Sunday.
House buying? The same thing. I made “us” the priority and ignored me.
No house moving-in and I’m still not at it.
No going for walks, much less building back my inductance for running. No writing. No blogging. No chilling. No relaxing.
It was all about checking off the to-do list. The laundry, the grocery shopping, meal prepping, sweeping, mopping, packing, unpacking, decorating, painting, carpet shampooing, mowing, repairing….
It’s the beginning of the month. The beginning of my birthday month, which means selfishly I’ve started thinking about myself and what I’ve been doing for myself. Which four months ago was a pretty good list. I was walking regularly. I was really paying attention to what I was eating. I was blogging regularly. I was writing new fanfiction. I was working on my novel.
But right now?
I’ve let myself slack off under the guise of “priority”.
I’ve let myself use stress of the move and work as a reason to drink the beer in the refrigerator.
I’ve made poor eating decisions because I “deserve” to splurge.
So, I sit here, writing this, drinking wine, eating doughnut holes and feeling sorry for myself.
I think that I’m scared of succeeding. If I’m always the one “training” to run. “working” on my novel, “trying” to lose weight, who am I when I do those things?
I’d be a runner.
I’d be a novelist.
I’d be who I’d like to be.
What happens when the verb is more a part of who you are than the noun? What happens when you become the noun? What do you do when you’re done?
And why do I let myself get so wrapped up in “what then” that I stop working on my “what now”?
It’s like every time I start to succeed- not actually hit a goal but make strides towards it- I get spooked and slow down. I “celebrate” to the point where I undo all my success.
I know I’m not alone in doing this, but I can’t figure out how to get past it. Because I must figure out how to get past me.
I’m my own worst enemy.
How do you defeat yourself?
Any book recommendations? I always do better when I can read a book and take notes.
HELP!
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