Fat Nerd Fit

Seasonal depression has a way of sneaking up on you. Looking back, I can see that my depression snuck in  about two and a half/three weeks ago.  It super hard this week.  I fell into my "exhausted for no reason" pattern and that's when I realized I'd slipped in. Tbis week, having realized I was mid-depressive episode I leaned into it to a certain extent. I had a couple days were I took un-necessary naps.  I didn't beat myself up for the days I slept in.  In the mean time I've also taken measures to combat my symptoms. I've made a point of spending time outside when the sun is out. I've made sure to eat healthy foods. I've snuggled with JackJack (my dog), and just allowed myself to be lazy and unmotivated. Today was my first day off by myself in over a week so I allowed myself a bit of chill and a bit of pampering.  I gave myself a facial, did an undereye treatment, and made my favorite meal.  I'm mixing it with some productive tasks as well...

I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed and overrun these days. There’s the typical holiday season nonsense happening, some exciting stuff, and some this-is-what-happens-as-you-get-older stuff.   A couple of things will pass with time (hosting two separate family get-togethers back to back), some of it will come with time (my father-in-law moving in), some of it is unavoidable (12-year-old cars just have issues), and one thing has the potential to start me down a path I’ve always wanted to be on (a publisher accepting a book proposal). Overwhelmed doesn’t have to be because of negative things. Overall what it’s boiling down to is I’m feeling out of control. So, naturally, I’m taking steps to get myself feeling more in control. I’m a To-Do List veteran, and over the years have perfected my system. Do I always get everything done? Nope. But it helps me keep track of things. Keeping on top of the must-be-done items is something I’ve gotten pretty good at. I very...

I’m in a confusing place with my mental health. I’m coming off a go-get-‘em phase that the spring brought with it and am now in an over-committed, over-whelmed anxious place. I want to things, but I’ve gotten myself into a position where I don’t know where to start so it’s easier not to do anything. As a matter of fact, “blog” has been on my to-do lists for weeks. I knew what I wanted to write about.   I’ve been writing this post in my head for 10 days.   But the idea of grabbing my computer and actually writing it all down was a step too far for me to take. It’s a confusing place to be aware of what’s happening and why it’s happening but having no real desire to make changes to help. During the spring, when I was in an Up mood, I thought about doing a bit of research so I could be better armed with information when the next Down mood came.   I was not expecting the Down mood to come so soon. Having not done deeper research, I didn’t know that a Down mood ...

I guess you could say I’m in a mildly manic phase right now.   I’m not really sure what else to call the “up” periods of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’ve got loads of perk and energy and it’s noticeable.   I had a coworker say to me “I’m not sure if your positivity is infectious or pathological.” And I suppose it’s a fair reaction when your manager is singing a little tune narrating how she’s going to set you up to count down your registers. One of the symptoms of SAD that has always affected me is lethargy and sleeping all the time. My mom always talks about when I was a kid, I was a 12-hour baby. You could set your clock by me, put me to bed at 7 pm I wouldn’t wake up until 7 am. As I grew and became a teen I still slept like crazy and no matter when I went to bed, I was sleeping in on weekends or sleeping until the last possible moment. I can get out the door in ten minutes- I’ve perfected it. Except in the spring and summer in which I’d stay up all night doing noth...

www.thenorthernlight.org I’m not sure what to do with myself. Things are going well. Now that the seasons have changed, I’m sleeping better, I have more energy, and I’m getting shit done.   It feels so good to be out of the slump that zapped my energy, made me want to sleep all day and stole all my motivation. #AbsForApril coincided nicely, helping provide motivation to get to the gym.   Of course, working out – in turn- provides the endorphins to keep me up and running and it turns into an awesome cycle of good moods. At the start of May, I took a week off work and the gym and reset myself, getting rid of to-do lists and goals and obligations. I watched TV mostly, snuggled with Scout-the-Dog and got caught up on being lazy.   Unlike my usual self, after my vacation, I hit the gym running and am still going strong showing up for class regularly without my husband having to kick me out of bed. It’s amazing how a simple change in the weather can brin...

Today is so much better than the last update. Yesterday, I originally planned to go to the gym before tackling my To-Do list.   I couldn’t get myself up.   I did get my list done, otherwise, including doing the taxes, so I’m not too stressed over skipping yesterday. Especially since today I got up and went.   I had to talk myself into it. I thought maybe instead of 9 am, I’d get myself to the 5:25 pm class (yeah, right!).   Maybe I’d go someday this week before work (I mean… it’s like I don’t know myself!) But, my next day off isn’t until Monday (today’s Tuesday) so I got up and went anyway. I’m proud of talking myself into it.   It’s so easy to convince myself that I’m too tired, that I “deserve” some extra sleep, or I’ll do it later.   Plus, I promised myself a shirt from the gym’s pro-shop if I made it every week in February.   I did miss one week due to an actual injury, so I’m letting that one slide.   A lower-back injury is a ...

I had a good streak going, but today I crashed.   As I’m learning to live with a new reality, I’m also learning what does and doesn’t work. For instance, “feeling better” doesn’t mean I don’t need to do the things I know I need to do.   It’s crazy, I’ve had this conversation with friends before.   When your chosen medication is working and you’re feeling better- it doesn’t mean you don’t need it anymore…. It just means it’s working. I know that. I stopped anyway. And here I am, with a very short To-Do list in front of me and no motivation or energy to do it.   Hell, several items on my list are computer based, sit on your butt, type a few words- type items and it took me three hours to work up the energy to even turn my computer on. Other items on my list include washing the bed sheets- another sit on your butt for the most part chore that I can’t wrap my head around moving the sheets out of the dryer and the blanket into the dryer. I’ve lived this way f...

image credit Favorite Run Facebook Group I have officially worked out more in February than I have in all of November – January. Twice. That’s barely anything in the grand scheme of things, but it’s huge compared to what I’ve been able to convince myself to do recently. In working with depression, I’ve decided to go with small steps.   For the month of February, I’ve decided to go to the gym at least once every week.   And, in the spirit of encouragement, if I make my goal, I’m going to get myself a piece of swag from the gym’s pro-shop. I’m going for encouragement and reward for realistic goals to hopefully avoid a shame spiral.   One of the things that kept me from getting back to the gym sooner was the anxiety of what it would be like when I got back.   I go to a small-ish kickboxing gym where the trainers are really good about remembering people and making them feel like they’re excited to see you.   Accountability is a big thing with...

A little over 23 days ago most people were making their New Years Resolutions.   I was knee deep in a small journey in self-realization that involved a lot of research and confusion. I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, a form of depression that is greatly affective by the seasons.   Because of this new news in my life, I decided not to make traditional resolutions this year.   I’m not setting firm, hard goals that will most likely be abandoned before February is over.   I’m not setting myself up to be disappointed next December when I don’t radically change my life in ways that I’ve been trying- and failing- to change for decades.   This year I’m going on a more spiritual path. 2019 will be my year of Self Care. I’m not going to hide behind helping others, putting myself third, fourth, or fifth in the line of priority. I’m putting myself first and, when needed, second but never less than second this year. Being supportive of the mental health...

Depression is a hell of a thing.   I’m still struggling to wrap my head around all this, but the more I think about it, and the more I investigate it, the more it all makes sense. My family has a history of depression, both diagnosed and undiagnosed. It’s something I grew up around and it was never stigmatized.   I’ve always appreciated that about my parents, but I’ve never fully come to be properly grateful for it until now. Without divulging other people’s personal information, I have several family members and several childhood friends with diagnosed depression.   It’s never been an issue or sticking point with me, it’s just been a part of my loved ones.   But it’s always been something that other people dealt with.   My job was to support them and be understanding. It’s a bit strange finding myself dealing with it while my loved ones are being understanding of me.   I’m not sure if this is something that I’ve always been dealing with, or if i...

I’ve been trying to process what’s been going on in my personal life, and to be honest I still don’t really know how I’m feeling about it, or how to go about handling it. November has been a hard month. My dad has been in and out of the hospital with heart problems. At one point his heart was working at 15% capacity. It all hit out of nowhere. It started out as a trip to the emergency room with an “Eh, we can fix this no problem” diagnosis and some follow ups with specialists. Then it became “Well, this is a bit worse than we thought, but some cardiac rehab and a few meds and we’ll be good to go.” Then it became “Okay, so we’re going do a procedure next week which should fix the issue.” Then that turned into a two week stay at the hospital, several days sedated in the ICU and a probability of in-patient rehab. And we finally landed on getting to go home having home healthcare come in to help him with rehab. This wasn’t my family’s first brush with scary medical situations (my m...