Fat Nerd Fit

Seasonal depression has a way of sneaking up on you. Looking back, I can see that my depression snuck in  about two and a half/three weeks ago.  It super hard this week.  I fell into my "exhausted for no reason" pattern and that's when I realized I'd slipped in. Tbis week, having realized I was mid-depressive episode I leaned into it to a certain extent. I had a couple days were I took un-necessary naps.  I didn't beat myself up for the days I slept in.  In the mean time I've also taken measures to combat my symptoms. I've made a point of spending time outside when the sun is out. I've made sure to eat healthy foods. I've snuggled with JackJack (my dog), and just allowed myself to be lazy and unmotivated. Today was my first day off by myself in over a week so I allowed myself a bit of chill and a bit of pampering.  I gave myself a facial, did an undereye treatment, and made my favorite meal.  I'm mixing it with some productive tasks as well...

With the holidays upon us, life for us all is getting hectic.   Whether you are hosting, traveling, or just existing in America right now there is a hustle to the world that is hard to shut out. At our house, for Thanksgiving, we caught a stomach bug.   My husband felt ill for one night, went to Thanksgiving dinner, ate all the pie and went about his life.   I made it through Black Friday at the bookstore (it’s even the busiest shopping day of the year for us at a little local bookstore) and CRASHED. I went to bed Friday night after work and proceeded to sleep through Saturday, getting up Sunday and going to work. I can’t remember the last time I got that kind of sick. I haven’t so much as gotten a cold in years, but I crashed hard.   This morning, Wednesday was the first morning I didn’t feel blah when I woke up.   I actually ate something more substantial than oatmeal or toast today.   I had originally planned on making mulled wine and doing Christmas...

I guess you could say I’m in a mildly manic phase right now.   I’m not really sure what else to call the “up” periods of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’ve got loads of perk and energy and it’s noticeable.   I had a coworker say to me “I’m not sure if your positivity is infectious or pathological.” And I suppose it’s a fair reaction when your manager is singing a little tune narrating how she’s going to set you up to count down your registers. One of the symptoms of SAD that has always affected me is lethargy and sleeping all the time. My mom always talks about when I was a kid, I was a 12-hour baby. You could set your clock by me, put me to bed at 7 pm I wouldn’t wake up until 7 am. As I grew and became a teen I still slept like crazy and no matter when I went to bed, I was sleeping in on weekends or sleeping until the last possible moment. I can get out the door in ten minutes- I’ve perfected it. Except in the spring and summer in which I’d stay up all night doing noth...

I had a good streak going, but today I crashed.   As I’m learning to live with a new reality, I’m also learning what does and doesn’t work. For instance, “feeling better” doesn’t mean I don’t need to do the things I know I need to do.   It’s crazy, I’ve had this conversation with friends before.   When your chosen medication is working and you’re feeling better- it doesn’t mean you don’t need it anymore…. It just means it’s working. I know that. I stopped anyway. And here I am, with a very short To-Do list in front of me and no motivation or energy to do it.   Hell, several items on my list are computer based, sit on your butt, type a few words- type items and it took me three hours to work up the energy to even turn my computer on. Other items on my list include washing the bed sheets- another sit on your butt for the most part chore that I can’t wrap my head around moving the sheets out of the dryer and the blanket into the dryer. I’ve lived this way f...

image credit Favorite Run Facebook Group I have officially worked out more in February than I have in all of November – January. Twice. That’s barely anything in the grand scheme of things, but it’s huge compared to what I’ve been able to convince myself to do recently. In working with depression, I’ve decided to go with small steps.   For the month of February, I’ve decided to go to the gym at least once every week.   And, in the spirit of encouragement, if I make my goal, I’m going to get myself a piece of swag from the gym’s pro-shop. I’m going for encouragement and reward for realistic goals to hopefully avoid a shame spiral.   One of the things that kept me from getting back to the gym sooner was the anxiety of what it would be like when I got back.   I go to a small-ish kickboxing gym where the trainers are really good about remembering people and making them feel like they’re excited to see you.   Accountability is a big thing with...

Depression is a hell of a thing.   I’m still struggling to wrap my head around all this, but the more I think about it, and the more I investigate it, the more it all makes sense. My family has a history of depression, both diagnosed and undiagnosed. It’s something I grew up around and it was never stigmatized.   I’ve always appreciated that about my parents, but I’ve never fully come to be properly grateful for it until now. Without divulging other people’s personal information, I have several family members and several childhood friends with diagnosed depression.   It’s never been an issue or sticking point with me, it’s just been a part of my loved ones.   But it’s always been something that other people dealt with.   My job was to support them and be understanding. It’s a bit strange finding myself dealing with it while my loved ones are being understanding of me.   I’m not sure if this is something that I’ve always been dealing with, or if i...

I’ve been trying to process what’s been going on in my personal life, and to be honest I still don’t really know how I’m feeling about it, or how to go about handling it. November has been a hard month. My dad has been in and out of the hospital with heart problems. At one point his heart was working at 15% capacity. It all hit out of nowhere. It started out as a trip to the emergency room with an “Eh, we can fix this no problem” diagnosis and some follow ups with specialists. Then it became “Well, this is a bit worse than we thought, but some cardiac rehab and a few meds and we’ll be good to go.” Then it became “Okay, so we’re going do a procedure next week which should fix the issue.” Then that turned into a two week stay at the hospital, several days sedated in the ICU and a probability of in-patient rehab. And we finally landed on getting to go home having home healthcare come in to help him with rehab. This wasn’t my family’s first brush with scary medical situations (my m...

This week has been insanely frustrating and hectic. WEDNESDAY It started out perfect with a nice kickboxing class. It was practically a private lesson there was just me and one other person in the class. It was like my first lesson with lots of personal attention. It was a great workout and I felt awesome afterwards. Then, I got in my car and it wouldn’t start. It wasn’t even trying to turn over. I just got the battery and the battery cables replaced and I was hoping it was the starter. When I got it to start I drove it straight to the mechanic. We were a little freaked out about the millions of things that could be wrong and the thousands of dollars it could cost so we cancelled our planned trip to Costco and just hung out at home and watched Iron Fist season 2 (which is so much better than season 1, by the way). Meanwhile, our yard is insanely overgrown, and I’ve been messaging our lawn service without getting responses. At this point in our lawn saga, we’ve hired a la...

Last week was my birthday. Now 34, nothing has changed. I’m still me. I’ve never put much weight into the age (I mean, once you get past 21 what’s to look forward to?) but the date is what I focus on. My birthday is almost exactly the halfway point of the year, June 30. It’s a good time to evaluate where I am on my goals for the year and refocus. I’ve totally lost my perspective recently, spooking myself out of success and resting on my laurels. I let myself talk myself into “deserving” splurges. I grab something “easy” on the way home from work for dinner. And Starbucks is directly on my way to work so that’s been a daily stop… Originally, I was trying to get refocused in June. Take the baby steps to get back on track. Of course, I fell into the “okay, this is the last time” trap every time I was tired and wanted pizza. I did manage to only eat the lunches that I packed for myself at work…. No popping out for fast food and a soda. That’s one baby step I managed. When ...

I feel like this is a confession. I, allegedly, started this blog to share a journey to physical fitness and overall health. So far, that’s been a total fair. In 2018. I have a goal of losing 50 pounds. So far, I’ve lost 1. In six months, ONE POUND. That’s no even really losing, that’s maintaining. A while ago I’d be sitting here waxing poetic about how maintaining, is still a victory because it’s not a gain. I’d be making excuses to try to stay positive. I’d do what I could to stay up beat about all this. Part of me still wants to. I haven’t failed I just haven’t succeeded, either. Stay positive. Be positive. No negative. Don’t be a downer…. I can’t keep doing that. At least not right now. The last few months I’ve been putting myself on the backburner. With house-hunting, -buying- and -moving I’ve allowed myself to say, “now’s not a good time” and “we’re too busy” and “other things are more important.” I know I’m not alone in constantly putting everything else...

I have been extremely blessed with first-world problems in the last few weeks. I am not about to try to say that things are “hard” or that I’m having any sort of actual problems, but I will admit that I am overwhelmed. After years of struggling at jobs I hated, struggling to pay the bills, having no clear path forward, and no real idea how to get to where I wanted to go…. In the course of two weeks, all that has cleared up and I am overwhelmed with gratitude and bewilderment. I love the job I have. I work at a bookstore, running the graphic novels/manga/RPG sections. I call myself a professional nerd and booklover. I love the people at my store. I enjoy the customers. Recently the company gave raises across the board which really helps with getting all the bills paid. Almost right after I was given two bumps in responsibility giving me a clear path of possible promotion in the company and the support to feel like I can get there. I’m at a loss for what to do with a job I love...

This week I started Jillian Michael’s Body Revolution DVD set—ish. I say “ish” because the DVD set I bought is missing a disk. I got it at the bookstore I work at, so I go a super awesome discount. The Body Revolution is a 12-week DVD set that comes with a workout schedule and meal guide. Because I’m still doing the AdvoCare One80 I’m not following the meal guide, but I am following the workout schedule. The disk I am missing is for Phase One so I’m only missing something for week one and week two but soon I’ll be whole hog. Phase One Week One is three DVDs (one of which I am missing)- two weights oriented and one cardio. The schedule gives you Sunday off and you do each of the DVD workouts twice for the week for six total workouts. I managed four workouts this week- two weight DVDs, one cardio DVD, and one walk outside instead of the cardio DVD. The first day I did Phase 1 workout 1 using 5 lb. weights. And damn did 5lbs feel like a ton after 30 minutes of working my shou...

We've well established that I've been hanging out next to the wagon, talking about getting on but not quite able to bring myself to do it. This week, I had the best of intentions. I planned ahead and when I went to the store I stuck to my list, didn't splurge, and kept it clean. I even went to the farmer's market for fresh veggies. I meal prepped. I have a fridge full of salads, hummus (homemade) and sliced veggies. Fruit, pealed and ready to eat. Fresh brewed Green Tea. I've been eating pizza all week. I started my period on Monday morning. Usually my period is a total non-issue for me. Make sure I have some tampons on hand and maybe a single dose of Midol at the start and I'm business as usual. Not this week. My back cramped, my stomach cramped, I'm bloated, I'm craving meat (I've been a vegetarian for almost six years), I'm exhausted. It's so strange. I've been handling my period every month for over twenty years no...

So I'm still in a funk. It's strange. Nothing bad is happening. I don't have any problems holding me back. My relationship with my husband is solid. My dog's medial treatments are going well. The bills are paid. We have no problem meeting our needs. I love my job. I'm just.... blah. I go to work, have fun there, come home talk with my husband, have dinner, play with the dog and go to bed. Or on days off I do the laundry, catch up on TV, play with the dog, surf the net. Oh. And think about how I should be out running. There's always that. I think and talk a good game but can't get my ass up off the couch to do it. The weather is nice. There's a great walking/running trail near my home. I have the time. Not the motivation. I'm not motivated to do anything that I usually love. I'm not writing, I'm not crafting, I'm not cooking, I'm not doing anything. I can't put my finger on why. If I could pinpoint i...

Things have not gotten any better for me emotionally. I got the official "we're going another direction" from one place where I did three interviews and am just past a week of no word from another place where I've done four interviews. I've still been getting some decent hours at the store, but full time minimum wage doesn't go far. We've resorted to carrying a balance on our credit card, for essentials only- groceries, gas, vet bills for the pup. I've thrown myself into to-do lists and trying to keep everything as perfect as possible, even if the money isn't there. I've had a 30-40 hour work week, plus repeat vet visits for the pup's heartworm treatments, and on top of that have been trying to tackle everything hearth and home on my own. When I was working once or twice a week I told my husband (who works 40+ hours a week in law enforcement) that I would take care of the apartment since I was home with plenty of time on my hands. ...

After my last post, the pity party one complaining that my lack of things to do was draining my motivation, I got what I asked for. Busy. On Tuesday of this week I found out my work schedule for the upcoming week: 6 days, 40 hours. I have work at the store every day except Thursday this week. Which will be good for the pocketbook and the credit card balance. Also I have my side hustle of dog sitting Tuesday-Friday so I will be driving back to my old stomping grounds to tend to some puppers, then back to my new stomping grounds for the store. I also am going through the job interview process yet again. I still haven't heard from the company from last week, so I'm figuring that's a "no." Yesterday I had this weird, automated phone interview with a new company. It was strange having a one sided conversation with a computer. It was like leaving a voicemail job interview. No one is good at leaving a voicemail! But, I did the voicemail interview yesterday morni...

I know I've been MIA for two weeks, now. I don't even have a good excuse. I've just got the BLAHS. I don't have motivation to do anything, really. I can't pinpoint why or how but I just know what watching bad TV has been the only thing I've been interested in. Life has been busy, not with anything good, but busy. Maybe that's it? I haven't had anything to look forward to or focus on in the last couple weeks. I don't know... Work has been slow, if I get a shift at all I get one a week. In honor of my lack of work, and income, I've been applying for second jobs. My manager knows what I'm up to and is very understanding about the whole thing. I've been scouring job search websites and send in an average of seven applications a week. The lack of response is getting to me. Over twenty applications are out and I've gotten two responses from them. One didn't pan out, and one has gotten me through three interviews and now I...