Things have not gotten any better for me emotionally. I got the official "we're going another direction" from one place where I did three interviews and am just past a week of no word from another place where I've done four interviews. I've still been getting some decent hours at the store, but full time minimum wage doesn't go far. We've resorted to carrying a balance on our credit card, for essentials only- groceries, gas, vet bills for the pup.
I've thrown myself into to-do lists and trying to keep everything as perfect as possible, even if the money isn't there. I've had a 30-40 hour work week, plus repeat vet visits for the pup's heartworm treatments, and on top of that have been trying to tackle everything hearth and home on my own. When I was working once or twice a week I told my husband (who works 40+ hours a week in law enforcement) that I would take care of the apartment since I was home with plenty of time on my hands. This worked just dang fine for a good three months, then as my hours at work ramped up and the vet appointments were made I didn't think to say "this is too much, I need help."
I ended up having a little mini-meltdown last week and I got upset over something so minor I can't even remember what it was. I told the hubs that I felt overwhelmed and he jumped into action immediately. It's not that he was too lazy to do things around the apartment, so much as I explicitly told him not to worry about it and I'd take care of it. He took me at my word, as he should.
So, hubs has made a point of checking on what I want done around the apartment on a given day and if I ask him to do it, he does it. He is very supportive, so I don't want anyone to think he sits on his butt waiting for me to take care of everything for him. He does not. If I ask for the dishes and towel laundry to be done it is done before I get home. He just took me at my word when I said "no worries, I'm on it." As soon as I admitted I don't got it, he was there, ready, and willing.
This weekend we got on the subject of my job search, fruitless as it is, and I had another little mini-breakdown. I admitted that it's very draining dealing with the constant rejection. I keep getting to the second-to-last step before getting the no, and that's if anyone replies to my application at all. I'm one of those always up, always peppy, always smiling people. I will not bore you with the details as to why I don't put down the mask except for myself, but I am learning to take the mask off for my husband. It's a twenty-seven year old habit (yes, I have pinpointed the exact event that taught me to wear the mask) that I have never tried to break until now.
I let the hubs in and he immediately stood in support. Hubs suggested that this week I take a "me-cation" and not worry about job applications, or to-do lists, or running the homestead. This is the first week I have not made a to-do list since I started college we-shall-not-discuss-how-many-years-ago.
Now, I have broken the me-cation spirit a bit. I got an email that a company I would love to work for is hiring, so I sent in my application. I also got a call this afternoon in response to an application I already put in to schedule an interview on Wednesday. I'm not terribly interested in working for this company, but at this point I will not turn down a full time job that pays. And I did the laundry.
However, I have posted the first new chapter to my fanfic in a month. I have bought a box of my favorite wine and have indulged responsibly and plan to indulge responsibly for the rest of the week. I've eaten pizza for dinner two nights in a row. I have not swept the floors. I have not logged food or workouts. I have not made my weekly to-do list for the first time in over ten years.
Just taking the pressure off myself has made all the difference so far. Yes, I have taken on an interview and decided to put in an application somewhere else. But, none of it was because "I had to" but because I wanted to. I did the laundry because I wanted to get a jump on the week.
The permission from myself to let go of my self-imposed obligations has made all the difference. I think this week is going to be just what the doctor ordered. It took allowing myself to let someone in on the truth and the support from an amazing spouse and friend to help me regroup.
Mental health is just as important as physical health. I think, especially in the USA, we forget that. We prioritize everyone else and how we appear to others and forget that what really matters is us. You have to put yourself first sometimes so you can be there for others longer.
If life is getting the better of you right now, join me.
Let's set back.
Let's breathe.
Let's give ourselves time to be the priority.
Breathe.
I've thrown myself into to-do lists and trying to keep everything as perfect as possible, even if the money isn't there. I've had a 30-40 hour work week, plus repeat vet visits for the pup's heartworm treatments, and on top of that have been trying to tackle everything hearth and home on my own. When I was working once or twice a week I told my husband (who works 40+ hours a week in law enforcement) that I would take care of the apartment since I was home with plenty of time on my hands. This worked just dang fine for a good three months, then as my hours at work ramped up and the vet appointments were made I didn't think to say "this is too much, I need help."
I ended up having a little mini-meltdown last week and I got upset over something so minor I can't even remember what it was. I told the hubs that I felt overwhelmed and he jumped into action immediately. It's not that he was too lazy to do things around the apartment, so much as I explicitly told him not to worry about it and I'd take care of it. He took me at my word, as he should.
So, hubs has made a point of checking on what I want done around the apartment on a given day and if I ask him to do it, he does it. He is very supportive, so I don't want anyone to think he sits on his butt waiting for me to take care of everything for him. He does not. If I ask for the dishes and towel laundry to be done it is done before I get home. He just took me at my word when I said "no worries, I'm on it." As soon as I admitted I don't got it, he was there, ready, and willing.
This weekend we got on the subject of my job search, fruitless as it is, and I had another little mini-breakdown. I admitted that it's very draining dealing with the constant rejection. I keep getting to the second-to-last step before getting the no, and that's if anyone replies to my application at all. I'm one of those always up, always peppy, always smiling people. I will not bore you with the details as to why I don't put down the mask except for myself, but I am learning to take the mask off for my husband. It's a twenty-seven year old habit (yes, I have pinpointed the exact event that taught me to wear the mask) that I have never tried to break until now.
I let the hubs in and he immediately stood in support. Hubs suggested that this week I take a "me-cation" and not worry about job applications, or to-do lists, or running the homestead. This is the first week I have not made a to-do list since I started college we-shall-not-discuss-how-many-years-ago.
Now, I have broken the me-cation spirit a bit. I got an email that a company I would love to work for is hiring, so I sent in my application. I also got a call this afternoon in response to an application I already put in to schedule an interview on Wednesday. I'm not terribly interested in working for this company, but at this point I will not turn down a full time job that pays. And I did the laundry.
However, I have posted the first new chapter to my fanfic in a month. I have bought a box of my favorite wine and have indulged responsibly and plan to indulge responsibly for the rest of the week. I've eaten pizza for dinner two nights in a row. I have not swept the floors. I have not logged food or workouts. I have not made my weekly to-do list for the first time in over ten years.
Just taking the pressure off myself has made all the difference so far. Yes, I have taken on an interview and decided to put in an application somewhere else. But, none of it was because "I had to" but because I wanted to. I did the laundry because I wanted to get a jump on the week.
The permission from myself to let go of my self-imposed obligations has made all the difference. I think this week is going to be just what the doctor ordered. It took allowing myself to let someone in on the truth and the support from an amazing spouse and friend to help me regroup.
Mental health is just as important as physical health. I think, especially in the USA, we forget that. We prioritize everyone else and how we appear to others and forget that what really matters is us. You have to put yourself first sometimes so you can be there for others longer.
If life is getting the better of you right now, join me.
Let's set back.
Let's breathe.
Let's give ourselves time to be the priority.
Breathe.
Comments
Post a Comment