I had a good streak going, but today I crashed. As I’m learning to live with a new reality, I’m
also learning what does and doesn’t work. For instance, “feeling better” doesn’t
mean I don’t need to do the things I know I need to do. It’s crazy, I’ve had this conversation with
friends before. When your chosen
medication is working and you’re feeling better- it doesn’t mean you don’t need
it anymore…. It just means it’s working.
I know that.
I stopped anyway.
And here I am, with a very short To-Do list in front of me
and no motivation or energy to do it.
Hell, several items on my list are computer based, sit on your butt,
type a few words- type items and it took me three hours to work up the energy
to even turn my computer on.
Other items on my list include washing the bed sheets-
another sit on your butt for the most part chore that I can’t wrap my head
around moving the sheets out of the dryer and the blanket into the dryer.
I’ve lived this way for most of my life. I’ve always blamed it on being tired from school
or work. Now that my daily job isn’t emotionally
draining (I enjoy my job for once) I’m noticing the difference between tired
and depressed. At work I am on my feet all day, lots of lifting, lots of moving
around, and a ton of interacting with the public. Some days it can be exhausting.
That’s not the kind of tired I’m dealing with today. Today’s
tired is a lack of motivation, interest, energy, and a sever lack of fucks.
I’d been going to the gym weekly
until I hurt myself at work. It took around five days to recover and today
is my first day off since. I should have gotten up and hit the mat, but instead, I slept. I just couldn’t get myself to get out of
bed.
This morning, I got one chore done for work- because
everyone was counting on me. Since I got home from that I’ve been in Netflix
and Chill mode.
I got one thing done today and everything else has been a
struggle.
I don’t know if lowering my expectations of myself is
helping, or hindering, as I work with this depression. Instead of my usual
reaction- just get the basics done today- I’m trying something else. I’m taking it one item at a time and I’m checking
things off my to-do list.
That’s the only reason I have sheets in the dryer and a
blanket in the wash.
I’ve applied my CDB oil (which I have been neglecting all
week) and even though it’s cloudy and dreary out I have the window open to let
in fresh air. I need to remember to
drink some water.
Keeping my head clear and focused is a challenge, but I have
all day to get stuff done.
I can do this.
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