Skip to main content
I had a good streak going, but today I crashed.  As I’m learning to live with a new reality, I’m also learning what does and doesn’t work. For instance, “feeling better” doesn’t mean I don’t need to do the things I know I need to do.  It’s crazy, I’ve had this conversation with friends before.  When your chosen medication is working and you’re feeling better- it doesn’t mean you don’t need it anymore…. It just means it’s working.
I know that.
I stopped anyway.
And here I am, with a very short To-Do list in front of me and no motivation or energy to do it.  Hell, several items on my list are computer based, sit on your butt, type a few words- type items and it took me three hours to work up the energy to even turn my computer on.
Other items on my list include washing the bed sheets- another sit on your butt for the most part chore that I can’t wrap my head around moving the sheets out of the dryer and the blanket into the dryer.
I’ve lived this way for most of my life.  I’ve always blamed it on being tired from school or work.  Now that my daily job isn’t emotionally draining (I enjoy my job for once) I’m noticing the difference between tired and depressed. At work I am on my feet all day, lots of lifting, lots of moving around, and a ton of interacting with the public.  Some days it can be exhausting.
That’s not the kind of tired I’m dealing with today. Today’s tired is a lack of motivation, interest, energy, and a sever lack of fucks.
I’d been going to the gym weekly until I hurt myself at work.  It took around five days to recover and today is my first day off since. I should have gotten up and hit the mat, but instead, I slept.  I just couldn’t get myself to get out of bed. 
This morning, I got one chore done for work- because everyone was counting on me. Since I got home from that I’ve been in Netflix and Chill mode. 
I got one thing done today and everything else has been a struggle.
I don’t know if lowering my expectations of myself is helping, or hindering, as I work with this depression. Instead of my usual reaction- just get the basics done today- I’m trying something else.  I’m taking it one item at a time and I’m checking things off my to-do list.
That’s the only reason I have sheets in the dryer and a blanket in the wash.
I’ve applied my CDB oil (which I have been neglecting all week) and even though it’s cloudy and dreary out I have the window open to let in fresh air.  I need to remember to drink some water.
Keeping my head clear and focused is a challenge, but I have all day to get stuff done. 
I can do this.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

So, a Fat Nerd steps onto a scale...

I done did it, y'all. I got my scale out this morning. I can't say that I'm surprised, but I can say that I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised. Two hundred and freaking forty six pounds. It was a bit of a gut punch. I'm not happy. I know that I have lost weight since our move. I can see it in the mirror. I can tell by the way my clothes fit. But, as it stands this morning I have an official number. 246 Gross. Have I been heavier? Yes. Earlier this year. Have I (as an adult) been lighter? Yes... also earlier this year. Was I heavier when I got my ass in gear a few months ago? Yes. Can I do better? Also, yes. Am I going to be better? HELL YES!!! It's easy to pick a start date that is "later." You screw up on your new diet on Wednesday and decide to start over on Monday, or the first of the month, or the first of the year. Well, guess what? The first of the year is tomorrow. I'm not giving myself "one last night...
4 comments
Read more

How Do I Get Past Me?

I feel like this is a confession. I, allegedly, started this blog to share a journey to physical fitness and overall health. So far, that’s been a total fair. In 2018. I have a goal of losing 50 pounds. So far, I’ve lost 1. In six months, ONE POUND. That’s no even really losing, that’s maintaining. A while ago I’d be sitting here waxing poetic about how maintaining, is still a victory because it’s not a gain. I’d be making excuses to try to stay positive. I’d do what I could to stay up beat about all this. Part of me still wants to. I haven’t failed I just haven’t succeeded, either. Stay positive. Be positive. No negative. Don’t be a downer…. I can’t keep doing that. At least not right now. The last few months I’ve been putting myself on the backburner. With house-hunting, -buying- and -moving I’ve allowed myself to say, “now’s not a good time” and “we’re too busy” and “other things are more important.” I know I’m not alone in constantly putting everything else...
Post a Comment
Read more

NSV: Non Scale Victory

One of the terms that comes up over and over again in the From Fat to Finish Line Facebook group is "NSV" or Non Scale Victory. I hadn't really taken this side of the journey into consideration until I starting seeing other people's victories. When working on weight-loss and health it is so easy to just look at the scale as the only tool of measurement. When I confessed my weight to the group at the New Year one of the first comments I got was to only weigh once a month and not focus solely on the number as there is so much more to take into consideration. Yes, we celebrate everyone's weight loss numbers but there is also just as much support and excitement for the NSVs in the group. Yesterday I posted that it was my fourth day with no cream or sugar in my coffee. Over 120 people as of this writing have showed their support for my achievement. From a huge group of people who have either been there, done that, or are struggling themselves, or just starting...
Post a Comment
Read more