I guess you could say I’m in a mildly manic phase right
now. I’m not really sure what else to
call the “up” periods of Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’ve got loads of perk
and energy and it’s noticeable. I had a
coworker say to me “I’m not sure if your positivity is infectious or pathological.”
And I suppose it’s a fair reaction when your manager is singing a little tune
narrating how she’s going to set you up to count down your registers.
One of the symptoms of SAD that has always affected me is lethargy
and sleeping all the time. My mom always talks about when I was a kid, I was a 12-hour
baby. You could set your clock by me, put me to bed at 7 pm I wouldn’t wake up
until 7 am. As I grew and became a teen I still slept like crazy and no matter
when I went to bed, I was sleeping in on weekends or sleeping until the last
possible moment. I can get out the door in ten minutes- I’ve perfected it.
Except in the spring and summer in which I’d stay up all night doing nothing
because I couldn’t get to sleep. I’m
trying to combat that, so I’ve started taking low dose Melatonin.
Just some OTC I get at the grocery store, nothing fancy. And
man does it make a difference. I’ve been at it for less than two weeks and I
have never felt so rested in my life. Usually, if I must leave by 8 am I’m
rolling out of bed around 7:45. Now I’m waking up on my own before my alarm,
rested and ready to do something.
I was up at 7 am today, my day off, and I finished one book
and got halfway through another by the time I’d usually just be thinking about
getting up. Nearly 300 pages all before I’d usually be debating if I wanted to
get up or sleep in.
I can check things off my to-do list before work and after
work. I’m not exhausted as I go through my day. I don’t need an energy drink to
make it through the afternoon.
I can get up, go the gym, mow the lawn, shower, go to work,
work my full eight hours, come home, do a bit of light housework and then be
ready for bed. I can whistle my way through a 16-hour day and with the help of a
little pill fall asleep a few minutes after I go to bed. And pop up the next morning ready to do it
again.
It’s so foreign to me I honestly don’t really know who to
handle it.
I can’t remember the last time I was energized by anything
other than caffeine or sugar.
The real test will be when the fall comes, and I slide into
my low period.
This year, my resolution was self-care. With taking a step-back from the forceful
drive of “lose weight, get skinny, write a best-selling novel, live up to the
arbitrary standards you internalized” I’m learning a lot about myself.
I’ve made the depression connection which has so many things
falling into place. I never felt before that my life was out of control in any
way, but there were just things that I did and didn’t understand why. Sometimes
I just stay up all night and craft. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy to
get out of bed.
I’ve always just brushed the highs and lows off as stress, or
inspiration, or a long day at work.
Now I’m getting to understand what is actually happening. And how to work with it.
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