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I’m not sure what to do with myself. Things are going well.
Now that the seasons have changed, I’m sleeping better, I
have more energy, and I’m getting shit done.
It feels so good to be out of the slump that zapped my energy, made me
want to sleep all day and stole all my motivation.
#AbsForApril coincided nicely, helping provide motivation to
get to the gym. Of course, working out –
in turn- provides the endorphins to keep me up and running and it turns into an
awesome cycle of good moods.
At the start of May, I took a week off work and the gym and reset
myself, getting rid of to-do lists and goals and obligations. I watched TV mostly,
snuggled with Scout-the-Dog and got caught up on being lazy. Unlike my usual self, after my vacation, I
hit the gym running and am still going strong showing up for class regularly without
my husband having to kick me out of bed.
It’s amazing how a simple change in the weather can bring about
such a huge change in my outlook and attitude. I wish I had known more about
this years ago- I can’t even imagine the coping mechanisms I would have developed
by now.
I’m taking advantage of my “up” time and doing some research
into what I can do to help myself going into the “down” time next year. Right now,
I’m doing this the DIY way, but I am open to seeking professional help if I
need it.
Depression is a weird thing, socially we are speaking more openly
about it, but we still have an image of what depression looks like. Depression is someone laying in bed in a dark
room, probably crying, unable to get up and ‘just do it.’ Depression is angry outburst
and mood swings. For some people, that
is how their depression manifests itself. That is their reality.
As someone whose depression manifests in more mild-appearing
ways, it's hard to feel like I have a right to talk about it and use the word
to describe what I’m working with. I struggle with not throwing in qualifying
words to downplay what its like to…. I don’t know…. Defer? To people whose
depression symptoms are more disruptive to their everyday life.
The truth is, my depression isn’t nearly as disruptive as
some people’s. I have friends whose symptoms
present much more visibly than mine. But
just because you can’t see an illness doesn’t mean it's not there. Just because someone has it worse, doesn’t
mean that you can’t acknowledge what I’m working with.
And, frankly, the high I’m flying on right now is a symptom
of my depression. I’m working with it and trying to channel my energy and
positivity in a good direction. I have
the energy to get my workouts in- which can help. I have the weather to get out
into the sun- which can help. And I have an entire bookstore at my disposal to
get my research going.
Hopefully, by the time the fall and winter months move into
Texas, I’ll have some shiny new coping mechanisms to help me.
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